does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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