We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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