my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
