He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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