She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
