I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
