Pappa wants mamma naked
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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