he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
