Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
