shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
