M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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