Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
