she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
