His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
