my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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