This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize