Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
