He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
