even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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