Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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