i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
