i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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