you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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