i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
