What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
