Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
