Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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