soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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