Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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