Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
