Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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