i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
