I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
