come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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