I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
