he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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