I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
