I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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