The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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