I am puke
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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