Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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