If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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