Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
