I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
