I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
