Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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