he looks like a really good dad on facebook
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
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Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?