she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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