My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
