It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
