I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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