Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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