I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
