Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
