You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
