I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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