i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
