Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
